Connecting Fathers and Their Children

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The Fatherhood Project, based in Boston in the Department of Psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, is a nonprofit organization on a mission to “improve the health and well-being of children and families by empowering fathers to be knowledgeable, active, and emotionally engaged with their children.”

To that end, the team at The Fatherhood Project designs and delivers several programs for dads, including for new and expectant fathers, dads of young children, and fathers experiencing divorce.

STAND spoke with Dr. Raymond Levy, the Executive Director and Founder of The Fatherhood Project and Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School with over thirty years of clinical experience working with men and fathers.

Dr. Levy was joined by John Badalament, Director of Programs at The Fatherhood Project, and author of The Modern Dads Dilemma: How To Stay Connected With Your Kids In A Rapidly Changing World and Director of the acclaimed PBS documentary All Men Are Sons: Exploring the Legacy of Fatherhood, serves as the Director of Programs.

Why is it important to focus on fathers?

Ray: There are many support and educational programs available for mothers, but while fathers are just as important for healthy child development, they are often overlooked. Research demonstrates that an active, emotionally engaged father improves behavioral, social, emotional and educational outcomes in children, while an absent or disengaged father has long-term negative effects that last into adulthood. In fact, both the positive effects of father engagement and the psychological harms of father absence experienced during childhood persist throughout the life course. Children who feel greater closeness to their father are:

• twice as likely to enter college or find stable employment after high school

• half as likely to experience multiple depression symptoms

• 75% less likely to have a teen birth

• 80% less likely to spend time in jail

Unfortunately, many fathers struggle to engage with their children. Twenty-seven percent of fathers now live apart from their children. Nearly one-third of these men report communicating with their children less than once a month, and 27% say they have not seen them in the past year. Children who have complete lack of contact with their fathers have poor developmental outcomes and increased aggression and delinquency.

Our evolving culture means there is an expanding need for fatherhood programs. Due to changing economic circumstances and an increase of women in the workplace, there are more men on the frontlines of childcare than ever before. Additionally, with the divorce rate and opioid crisis, many more men are vulnerable to having disconnected relationships with their children. Among these, teen fathers and fathers suffering from or in recovery from substance use disorders lack the knowledge and parenting skills necessary for healthy engagement with their children. Social service agencies have responded with literacy programs, support groups and health and mental health initiatives.

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Modern dads want to be the competent, caring, and supportive parents and partners that deep down we know we are capable of becoming.

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John: Yes, and many men WANT to be involved, they just need help figuring out how. In our work with diverse populations of fathers — immigrants, incarcerated, teen, divorcing — I often ask dads to describe the kind of relationship they are trying to build with their children. Whether I’m at an elite private school, a prison, or a public library, the responses are similar. Most dads want to have a strong, close bond with their children, to always be a trustworthy and vital presence, and to be someone to turn to for advice, support, or just to talk with. Most dads want their sons and daughters to feel secure in knowing that they can always come to them and share what’s going on in their lives, good and bad. Modern dads want to be the competent, caring, and supportive parents and partners that deep down we know we are capable of becoming. This is my cause for hope

John and Ray

How do your programs address the issues that fathers are facing today?

John: The curriculum we have created is applicable to all fathers, and touches on subjects such as fatherhood vision and legacy, attachment, authoritative parenting, empathy, executive functions, collaborative problem solving and healthy co-parenting; but our current programs aim to reach men when they are most vulnerable to becoming disengaged from their children. Our Dads in Recovery program gives dads recovering from the destruction of addiction a chance to reconnect with their children and to parent effectively, leading to a sense of pride and a powerful reason to remain sober. Teen dads are often referred to as “the forgotten parent” and in the U.S. only 25% of teen fathers wish to be involved with their children. Our Teen Dads program offers these young men the opportunity to change their narrative. We also have programs for divorcing fathers, immigrant fathers, and expecting fathers.

Men need to understand the importance their presence, engagement, and even their own health have on their children. We want to engage men with their families, equip them with parenting skills, and empower them to be confident, competent caregivers, and we are! I’ll share two examples.

Louis, a man in our Dads in Recovery program told me he felt its impact immediately. He said he actually had a physical reaction when we started talking about father legacy. He realized for the first time that he could leave a different legacy for his kids. We also used role-playing to practice talking to co-parents. Using those lessons, he had a successful probate court appearance with his ex-wife to discuss visitation rights and was able to focus on the best interests of the children. Because of that he got to see his kids for the first time in six months.

Another man, Rachid, brings his two-year-old son to our Dads Connect Activity Group. He told me that before he joined the group, he was afraid to be alone with his son. He didn’t know what to do with him! After being in the group for a few weeks, his confidence skyrocketed. His wife even told me that she sees them bonding more. Before, there wasn’t a time where they sat down together and did their own thing without her. Since joining the group, he has realized the importance of how he needs to be with his son more without her being present.

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It’s up to us as a society to make sure that fathers have places to go for support

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Ray: Another way we are trying to impact families is by making changes to the way health practitioners and social service agencies work with fathers. After decades of women successfully working to improve their medical care, medical services in obstetrics and pediatrics focus almost exclusively on the mother and the child; we are educating obstetricians, pediatricians, social workers, and educators that fathers are critically important to child well-being. We are  helping providers find innovative ways to engage dads and make their services more father friendly.

For example, when you think of prenatal care services, you think of services only for pregnant women. In the obstetrics department at our hospital, there was no reading material or visual images of fathers and children in the waiting room and fathers did not receive the attention they would have liked in appointments, even though they are becoming parents too! Research shows the earlier fathers are engaged with their children, the more likely they are to stay engaged throughout their child’s life. We developed a survey for fathers attending prenatal appointments with their wives and partners that asked them about their needs, feelings and experiences as expecting fathers.  We also asked them to rate how included they felt during their appointment. We were overwhelmed by the response. Men were ecstatic to have their voices heard during a time when they felt no one was asking, and we received 900 responses at one obstetric service in only 4 weeks—85% of asked fathers completed our Father Survey. We’ve since created a Fatherhood Task Force with a group of obstetric nurses and staff to create interventions for fathers during the prenatal period. We are eager to see prenatal care become more father-friendly nationwide.

We know that men’s health is very important to the health of the mother and baby at the time of the birth and, in our obstetric service at Mass General Hospital, we are hoping to have a professional offer evaluation and referral for men in the areas of obesity, depression, and substance use. Men are emotionally available at the time of the birth of their baby and even though half haven’t had a medical checkup in over a year, our Father Survey tells us they are eager to be healthy for their baby.

As you said, your curriculum is applicable to all fathers. What are some key practical exercises or tips for fathers reading this?

Fatherhood Legacy

John: One is to take time to focus on your fatherhood legacy. Fathers can envision a healthy future for their kids by understanding their own past. Where did you learn to be a father? Who are your models? What does a successful, healthy, and solid relationship look like? How will you pass on the gifts from your father’s legacy, while protecting your children from the mistakes? Being clear about the quality of relationship you want with your children — and about how to go about achieving that — is critical; to do so without an honest look at your own positive and negative experiences growing up with (or without) your father makes being a good father more difficult.

Know your children and let them know you 

Ray: Be willing to be vulnerable in front of your children. Understand that this is a necessity if we want our children to speak to us about their weaknesses and problems as well as their successes. They need to know about our own doubts and the turning points in our lives. They need to know about our failures. I told both my kids that I got my lowest grade in a college sociology class: 36 percent. They both laughed.

John: Exactly, children want real stories about who you were (and are) as a person, not just as their dad. Let your kids into your experiences with winning and losing, being embarrassed and feeling anxious, overcoming challenges and giving up. Some tips:

• Your daughter loses a game: “Did I ever tell you about what my dad used to do when I would lose?”

• Don’t just be a reactive storyteller; take the lead. “When I was in fifth grade, I was really concerned about what other people thought of me. Do you ever feel that way?”

• Share stories about your present, not just your past. “Sometimes I have trouble keeping my mouth shut. I was in this meeting the other day . . .”

Do a Relationship Checkup

John: One exercise I give to all of the men in our programs is the Relationship Check-up, which is a series of questions designed to encourage ongoing dialogue between dads and their children. It’s a structured way to have a heart-to-heart talk about two central themes: your everyday lives and your relationship with each other. I’ve included sample check-ups for fathers of different aged children below.

Instructions

Step 1 –Together, read aloud all ten questions to make sure you both understand what’s being asked. Dad must assure his child that there will be no negative consequences for being honest.

Step 2 – Depending on the age of your child, you can either take a few minutes apart to think about and write your response to each question, come back together, and talk through each response OR simply talk through your responses together. Either way, the activity works best if Dad and Child alternate responses to each question, in order: Dad answers #1 then Child responds to #1, and so on… Spend as much time discussing your responses as needed, rather than rushing to finish the activity.

Age 5-9

Ages 9+

Find Fathering Support 

Ray: Most importantly, fathers need support. A surprising finding from our prenatal survey was that 42% of fathers have no person or place to turn to for fathering support or encouragement. This, compounded by the fact that it’s often hard for men to seek help, means there are a lot of fathers and families out there in need. I want to say to dads, fathering is the most important job you will ever have, and one of the most difficult. It’s courageous to reach out for assistance.

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Men need to understand the importance their presence, engagement, and even their own health have on their children.

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In addition to fathers taking personal responsibility to find support, it’s up to us as a society to make sure that fathers have places to go for support so that they can be the best dad they can be for their children. That is why we do what we do; that is why we are here.

You can learn more about The Fatherhood Project at www.thefatherhoodproject.org.

Previously published on STAND Magazine.

Photo: Getty Images

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